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i accidentally an essay

Nov. 14th, 2012 | 10:13 pm
location: #7
mood: anxious

(So I started this the day after the election results came in and now I can't finish it because I don't believe the ending anymore but I'm posting it anyway. It's like a Choose Your Own Adventure.)

About a year and a half ago I had a panic attack about the state of the world. It was late summer. I was about to start at Case. Adbusters had released its call to occupy Wall Street and I desperately wanted to skip my first few weeks of school and go to New York. It was also at this time that I decided to educate myself about everything, I suppose. About Mohamed Bouazizi and Egypt and Libya and Bahrain and Syria and Yemen and global warming and the ozone hole and Bradley Manning and NDAA and patriarchy and peak oil and things like world history which no one ever bothered to teach me before. It's a lot to take in, especially all at once, but it did give me enough information to form a contextual background with which to process new (and old) information. It's amazing how much better things fit together that way.

Unfortunately and unexpectedly, it also led to some fairly disheartening realisations, one in particular being that everything is very painful and sad and will only become much more painful and sad in the future. I think it's worth mentioning that I'd been feeling sort of "doomed," not in a personal or religious way, but in a sort of general, end of the world way. And not just for a few weeks or months either, but for years. I know that pop culture likes to feed into this sort of idea, and so do religious zealots so the whole thing sounds absurd and dramatic and most people will dismiss it immediately without a second thought. But the second unfortunate and unexpected realisation to which my newfound information led was that I felt doomed for a reason. This is Derrick Jensen saying what I just said, but better:

"A few years ago I began to feel pretty apocalyptic. But I hesitated to use that word, in part because of those drawings I've seen of crazy penitents carrying 'The End is Near' signs, and in part because of the power of the word itself. Apocalypse. I didn't want to use it lightly. 

"But then a friend and fellow activist said, 'What will it take for you to finally call it an apocalypse? The death of the salmon? Global warming? The ozone hole? The reduction of krill populations off Antarctica by 90 percent, the turning of the sea off San Diego into a dead zone, the same for the Gulf of Mexico? How about the end of the great coral reefs? The extirpation of two hundred species per day? Four hundred? Six hundred? Give me a specific threshold, Derrick, a specific point at which you'll finally use that word.'"

Despite the fact that I was never able to go to New York, I did involve myself diligently  for a couple of months at least, in Occupy Cleveland. Up until then I had believed, despite all evidence to the contrary, two things. One being that wanting badly to make a difference for the better was enough to to do so, and two, that people like myself existed other than as authors of obscure guides to the end of the world. I was wrong on both counts. Occupy Cleveland was an ultimately disappointing and frustrating experience. I will admit that I gained insight into the world of activism and my own morality, and was able to edit and add to my information index in a way that only experience can allow, but it many ways it fell flat, and that is a understatement. 

Take One, wanting badly to make a difference, specifically, to help end suffering that is happening very far away but that I, directly or indirectly, am responsible for. (Do you want to know how I arrived at this conclusion? Do you want to dispute it? Do your own research. Read Endgame, I don't know. I'm not here to prove a point, this is my story.) Not to mention that I felt obligated. My focus was global. If my own privileges allowed me the capability of helping others, was I not obligated to do so? But to what extent? This is a deeply multifaceted question. However,
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bb michah

Mar. 4th, 2011 | 05:41 pm

Character:

[ ] They are possessed by an angel

[ ] They are possessed by a demon

[ ] They are a werewolf/vampire/faerie

[ ] They are physically strong

[ ] They have a rare hair/fur colour

[ ] Their eyes are an unusual colour

[ ] This happens to be red

[x] Their eyes change colour

[ ] They have wings

[ ] They can grow extra body parts/shapeshift

[ ] They are immortal

[ ] (if a female) they have large boobs

[ ] (if a male) they are very muscular

[ ] They are very attractive to the opposite gender

[ ] They are telekinetic/pyrokinetic/etc

[ ] They have sixth sense/can mind-read/etc

[ ] They have an object of some sort that gives them powers

[ ] They have a special ability/power, but they don't know about it yet

[ ] They were bestowed/cursed with these powers

[ ] They are a healer

[x] They are from a very rich/royal family

[ ] They don't know that they are from a very rich/royal background

[ ] They have lost one/both of their parents

[ ] They ran away from home

[x] Their parents are cruel, uncaring, abusive etc.

[ ] They witnessed one/both of their parent's death

[ ] They are part angel/demon/faerie/some other mythical creature

[ ] They never knew their parents

[x] They were abused/spoiled as a child

[ ] They are very attractive to the same gender

[ ] They have lots of friends/no friends

[ ] They are emo/cutesy

[x] They look much younger/older than they really are.

[ ] They are currently in a relationship

[ ] They have lots if morals and state them a fair bit for example: 'I would rather be with my friends than with my boyfriend/girlfriend' 'Nothing matters more to me than my friends/family' 'I wouldn't hesitate to die in place of a friend' etc. It's fine if your OC has these beliefs/values, but if they constantly say them out loud/preach them to others, then we have a problem.

[ ] They have a mental disorder

[x] They have an emotional disorder

[ ] They struggle to stay sane

[ ] They are a psycho

[ ] They have multiple personalities

[ ] They are very intelligent

[ ] They have hallucinations

[ ] They can summon spirits/demons/angels etc.

[ ] They have an unusual/unrealistic pet

[ ] They have a guardian spirit

[ ] They have a 'special type' of soul

[ ] Their soul is not the same as them

[ ] They can talk to spirits/ghosts

[ ] Some part of their body glows

[ ] They have a rare/unusual name

[ ] They were born on an important date, such as New Year's Eve, Midsummers Night, The Winter Solstace etc.

[ ] They have a twin/sibling that they were separated from at birth

[ ] They are connected with a certain element (Energy)

[ ] They are connected with a certain animal

[x] They always dress like a certain 'label'

[ ] They look quite a bit like a character from a popular anime/manga

[ ] They are a race/species that is discriminated against/misunderstood

[ ] They have a certain power that is misunderstood/feared

[ ] They live/lived on the streets at some point in their lives

[ ] They are hiding from someone/something

[ ] They have a rare blood type

[ ] They cry blood

[x] Certain noises/smells/situations/etc make their powers activate/give them a nervous breakdown

[ ] They are from a different country to where they live

[ ] They are very mysterious/dark

[ ] They are very lively/happy

[x] Their mood changes a lot/very quickly

[ ] They are very patient

[x] They are from a long line of (insert profession/power here)

[ ] They have a piece of jewelry/clothing that they always wear

[x] They have amnesia

[ ] They have some sort of permanent medical condition

[ ] The have a curse upon them

[ ] They are involved in some sort of prophecy

[ ] They are 'the chosen one'

[x] They have insomnia
Overall points: 12

Point Reductions

Take points off your OCs overall score if they fit any of the following statements:

[ ] They smoke
[ ] They are an alcoholic
[ ] They are overweight
[x] They are addicted to drugs
[ ] They have a short temper
[ ] They enjoy bullying others
[ ] They do not care much about others
[ ] They are emotionless

Final Score is: 11

<5 -Anti-Sue
Your character may be a bit on the boring side. Of course, this does depend, but generally if they are scoring that low, it wouldn't hurt to 'spice them up' a bit ^^

6-15 -Balanced Character
If your OC scored around here, then they are probably quite a well-balanced and interesting character. Those scoring in the higher end of this category may be a bit too much though.

16-25 -Borderline Mary-Sue
We have a problem. You need to tone your character down. They are most likely a bit annoying to others, too.

26< -Mary-Sue
PROBLEMS. OH DEAR. FIX IT NAO.


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magic

Feb. 10th, 2011 | 02:50 pm
location: bed
mood: nauseatednauseated

I swear sometimes I wish I could walk through the wall between the restrooms and find a genderqueer restroom the way Harry found platform Nine-and-Three-Quarters.

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october break is over

Oct. 17th, 2010 | 03:02 am
location: home
mood: tiredtired
noise: the computer, hard at work

I've sort of always known that one day I'd end up committing suicide or doing something really stupid and dying of a heart attack, or going to prison. If I don't and I live to a ripe old age, I'd like to eat a lot of banana bread and get really fat and ride up and down buildings in elevators just for the adrenaline rush.

All I really want to do is put on a red cape and fight evil. One day Casey told us to write about our own utopias, and I thought about Marx and Plato and The Shakers and Hitler and 1984 and all those mistakes and all those accomplishments, and I thought that I can never make anything that is not an extension of myself.

I sort of always knew that I wouldn't just wake up one day and realize I was dealing with an infection. I think those are things you acquire over time, And maybe I just want the red cape to cover up the rot and I just want to fight evil so my inner demons won't look so bad.

I hate when I'm honest.
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the love police

Sep. 30th, 2010 | 10:23 am

So... today, I took the two Adbusters magazines I have, copied a bunch of pages from them, and hung them all over my college campus. I think you're supposed to a) be a club ad b) get clearace to be able to hang up flyers and posters and the like, but why can't I share my opinion as well? So I did. The majority of them have either inspiratioal quotes, facts about corporations, or pictures of animals being slaughtered. I guess my mission is to spread the truth and try and get people to take action. I think I'll make some of my own posters next, and maybe have pictures of certain companies and reasons to boycott them. I also put up some spoof ads, and I'd like to put up more of those in the future as well.

So basically, at the top of each page I wrote: Get Orgaized: www.adbusters.org, and at the bottom I wrote: BTYB: The Love Police. BTYB means Brought To You By. All flyers have this written on them, as well as the the name of the club they represent. For example: BTYB: Japan Club. But as I said, I'm not a club and I wanted to make my flyers look "official." The Love Police is actually already a group, but I didn't think they'd mind if I borrowed their name for the sake of anonymity. Besides, we have basically the same mission. See?

 

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you/a crimson flower petal/your tears like dew/glitter softly in the night

Sep. 29th, 2010 | 06:22 am
location: 441
mood: annoyedannoyed

This is what you should avoid when you write, because it really bothers me:

1.
Misuse of the word "literally."

"I literally laughed my ass off!"

Really? How long did the surgery take?

2. Words commonly overused in poetry.

E.g. - Crimson, lips, kiss, tender, fragile, pale, breeze, caress, crystal, delicate, entice, fragrance, gentle, moon, night, sigh, soft, tears, sunshine, whisper, willow

Rhymes like "life/knife," "heart/apart," "try/fly/high," "lie/sigh," "cry/die"... WHY?!

Any kind of hair that is "long and black," "raven-black," or "the color of a starless night."

And please, I don't care about your "unrequited love." In fact, if I have to hear about it one more time, I will literally rip out someone's intestines and strangle myself with them.

3. While critically re-reading something I'd written, I found I am very much guilty of this:

"I guess he was rather quite annoying sometimes, although he really wasn't indeed actually aware of it."

4. And lastly, for christ's sake, use pronouns.

I am so sick of coming across fanfiction that sounds like this:

"The Young Agent stared at the photograph. The Beautiful
Man knew he was missing something, but the CalTech Graduate couldn't, for the life of him, figure it out. The Lanky Profiler glanced across the room at his boss. The Genious observed the Dark-Haired Man hard at work in his office."

Or...

"The Uchiha Prodigy wiped a hand over his bleeding face. The Raven knew he needed to stop the blood flow or else The Konoha Traitor would bleed to death."

SAY WHAT??


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Writer's Block: Do you remember?

Sep. 27th, 2010 | 03:44 am

My earlist memories are burying those little toy cars in the sand in North Carolina, with my cousins. Falling down the stairs. Seeing a dolphin in a big tank at Disneyland, and asking my mother where they went to the bathroom.


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my new duck butt hair

Sep. 25th, 2010 | 09:36 am
mood: -sigh-
noise: Loser by Beck

As it turns out (due to a series of impulsive decisions and bad luck) I now have Sasu-gay hair.sasugay.gif image by suzy137
 
Ah well.

P.S. I wroted a poem, but I (h)ated it.

Studying Russian on a Quiet Morning

Which verb this is I think I know
It is class two declention though
With midterm tests approaching fast
I find there's much I still don't know

Honestly, they have amassed
An interesting first year class

The novelty that you'll find here
Is literally unsurpassed

Halloween is drawing near
I'm Transylvanian this year
Yet still I sit and conjugate
And languidly I shed a tear

For my home my heart does ache
But I have midterm tests to take
And days to go before October break
And days to go before October break

lololol

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michah part ii

Sep. 23rd, 2010 | 04:40 pm
location: 441, as usual
mood: okay
noise: No You Girls by Franz Ferdinand

Okay, this is the second part of my Michah post, so i can post the rest of his profile. Originally, I was planning on having a longer wake and what  not, but I'm  not sad about offing him anymore, so this will be the last part.

Personality:
"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by it's ability to climb a tree, it will spend it's whole life believing that it is stupid."
Children are peculiar creatures in their innocence. They have innate curiosity, but it is not greed, not yet. There must be a sort of unspoilt bliss in that… In a way, they are superior to adults with their troubles, jobs, money and stressful lives, tainted minds and all.
They are the untainted ones, ourselves in our most primitive state. Our state closest to “Godliness”, if it can be put in those terms. And if only we could lose ourselves… if only we could revert back to that state, and wash ourselves entirely clean of “sin”, if you want to call it that (assuming, of course, that we are not born in sin, and that in nature we are good). Just as Rousseau suggested during the Enlightenment, “We should return to nature.”


Of course, not every child is in this way of brightness. Some are ruined at an early age and forced to grow up a little too fast. They are delicate. When a child is forced to not be a child, crucial stages of development are hurried through or skipped entirely. It is not healthy. They become peculiar… with a sort of mental instability. Odd tendencies. Nightmares. A relenting dissatisfaction. All signs of the subconscious trying to communicate that something is wrong, and that glazing over it won’t make things better. It can progress to the point of insanity, though the word has become overused. When one is truly insane they do not know it; it is being on the verge of losing yourself that is the most frightening…
More and more these days, I think that it is the average child, the one allowed to play and grow, and maintain its innocence for as long as possible, not naiveté but innocence… it is that child that is the perfect one.

As it is said, ‘
maxima debetur puero reverntia’.

The greatest respect is owed to a child.


Michah was forced to grow up too quickly. Then one day, he just stopped growing. How does one manage to achieve stasis despite the changing circumstances around them? By the unyielding denial of reality. Most people understand the importance of recognizing and adjusting themselves to the nuances of life, and choose to change themselves. Those who cannot face their situation can choose to change their reality instead. Michah is one of these people. If something is too much or too big for him to accept without uprooting his fragilely constructed world, then he will go to great lengths to lie to himself. It’s not a terribly difficult thing to do, as things are constantly being perceived a bit differently in Michah’s world anyway. He would never actually be able to admit this to himself, as it would be devastating. There are all kinds of realities that aren’t allowed to exist in Michah’s horribly deluded, perfect world. He’s all but managed to block out the existence of his older brother and managed to attribute a friend’s death to successful time travel. But most notable is his failure to acknowledge even the possibility that his illness is "all in his head."

As long as he believes what he’s telling himself, it’s okay, but Michah doesn’t like lying to others. Lying to yourself is different than lying in general. He’s polite. It’s a consequence of his upbringing. He possesses manners and class most teenagers his age would roll their eyes at. He hates being rude and seeks to avoid conflict, to such a degree that he often feels very guilty if he thinks he’s upset someone. Guilt is a large aspect of Michah’s personality, as well as low self-worth and a lack of confidence. He is very much influenced by the opinions of others, and he takes both praise and criticism to heart. Although he has been known to shy away from complements he feels he is undeserving of.

When it comes to protecting himself and keeping himself in one piece, so to speak, his survival instincts are rather low. He has a strongly developed set of morals, so he doesn’t like seeing others get hurt or being treated unjustly, and will often rashly and ineffectively try and stand up for them. However, there rarely comes a time when he will do the same for himself. On any normal day, Michah’s reactions can be almost easily predicted. It’s not complicated. If he’s overwhelmed, anxious, afraid, upset, he’ll cry and maybe panic, depending on the situation. Feelings like anger aren’t really experienced by Michah except in relation to himself. In fact, there are many emotions he doesn’t let himself feel.

The kid is practically married to The Rules. Of course, he’s very susceptible to the influence of others, so it isn’t hard to get him to break them if you’re convincing enough, but he does believe that rules are made to protect people and keep things in order. He likes order and organization and things that are “normal” because they calm him down, but at the same time he has a wildly creative imagination, and frequently daydreams about the impossible. Basically, the more Michah obsesses over things like cleanliness and accuracy, the more upset he is feeling. On his worst days, the kid’s just scrambling for any control he can have, whether it’s over his own mind or the books he’s alphabetizing. However, being obedient and doing things correctly is just another thing Michah was raised with. When he was a kid, following the rules meant fitting in. Now following them just makes him different.

He’s a real daydreamer. Most of the time, when he’s not being violently pulled back down to earth, Michah is off living in his head. He is also very imaginative when he’s not being a stickler for accuracy or obsessing over “logic.” This logic Michah obsesses over is very special because by anyone else’s standards, it would most certainly not be regarded as the least bit logical. That is to say, he has a very unique way of thinking. Michah has been known to live in a perpetually scatter-brained state. He often forgets about very basic, day-to-day things, like remembering to brush his hair or eat or what day of the week it is. Being able to see something go from an idea to a completed project fascinates him, mostly because he tends to get distracted and usually moves on to something else somewhere in the idea stage. He does have some pretty neat, unrealistic ideas though. Michah is also innately curious. He’ll definitely want to know why or how, but he tries not to ask too many questions because he knows this annoys people.

Michah needs to take apart and analyze things. Conversations, behavior, everything. He is a heart over brain type of person, and he definitely wears his heart of his sleeve, but he also takes the time to sort things out in his mind before coming to conclusions. It’s not that he looks before he leaps exactly, although he may be a bit less impulsive than others. After all, his frontal lobe is just as undeveloped as every other sixteen-year-old’s. It’s more that he has a tendency to not just analyze, but over-analyze. If having an imagination means anything, it means having a hyperactive mind. Words, just like actions, can mean anything, and Michah isn’t good at recognizing implications, or perhaps he’s too good at recognizing them. So good, in fact, that he manages to see implications that aren’t even there. Thus, he is very detail-oriented. It takes a while for things to be sorted out in his brain. He’s not slow exactly, there’s just a lot going on at once. A lot of apprehension and a lot of contradictory thoughts. Unless he’s completely comfortable with someone, Michah also tends to monitor what he actually ends up saying. Clearly he can’t actually say everything he’s thinking.

He lacks social awareness, which means he can be very awkward in social situations, even though his intentions are generally good. He often fails to recognize more subtle implications, such as body language and sarcasm. He places implicit trust in others simply because he believes that people are inherently good. He also has certain ideas about the way the world works. For example, good triumphs over evil and the truth always makes itself known and people can’t get away with bad things forever. He’s an idealist, obviously, and an optimist, although there are times when he can be very negative if he’s anxious and fearing the worst. When it comes to relationships, he’s only truly comfortable if he’s the one being taken care of. He tries not to be passive-aggressive, but in the big bad world of EVE it’s hard to get what you want if you’re constantly seeking to avoid conflict unless you use your strengths, and Michah’s strengths are appealing to the emotions of others. However, most of the time he’s far too ignorant of the emotions of others to effectively exploit them.

Basically, Michah is an old soul in a newly adolescent body. He’s a perfectionist, an idealist and a bleeding heart, as well as determined, polite, and rather markedly naïve due to his sheltered upbringing. He’s book smart but definitely not street smart and occasionally can appear posh, aloof, or even condescending, but it is hardly his intention to offend. Michah sees the world in stark black and white. Everything is either one opposite or another, and often it switches back and forth, but the opposites can never exist together at the same time. He likes EVE, or at least, he doesn’t dislike it. Instead of confined it makes him feel safe. Also, it’s the first place he’s met people he can call friends. What’s more, he doesn’t have to worry about them abandoning him because they’re just as locked up as he is.


History:  

I

"Does such a thing as “the fatal flaw,” that showy dark crack running down the middle of a life, exist outside literature? I used to think it didn’t. Now I think it does. And I think that mine is this: a morbid longing for the picturesque at all costs.”

Michah was the second child and second boy born to Maria and Stephen Alexander. The Alexander family name was well known as one of the richest families in the small Illinois city, but the destitute little town they chose to reside in didn't mean they were anything short of millionaires. The Alexander family had made Illinois their place of residence for generations, and Michah's great-great grandfather had been the original founder of the town hospital. Stephen worked there as a surgeon, carrying on his family's reputation as renowned geniuses in the field of medicine, and Maria worked there as a nurse, having first met Stephen in medical school.

Stephen and Maria's first child was Caide Alexander. He was born while the couple was still in medical school (they were already married, of course) and subsequently was eleven when Michah came into existence. The family lived in a large mansion, mostly furnished with antiques Michah wasn't allowed to touch and chairs he wasn't allowed to sit on. Quite a bit of it was just empty extra space they didn't need. Michah was afraid of the long, hollow hallways and rows of empty bedrooms that were only used when an occasional distant relative came to stay. He would often be reluctantly pulled along by Caide, who enjoyed exploring the unused parts of the old mansion. Michah's parents were always at work, and his brother was always at school, so he would often escape from many a useless nanny and hide in a bedroom Caide had shown him during their discoveries. He world take his toys (action figures, dolls, and puzzles) and play by himself until Caide came home.

Caide was an all A student. By the time he was twelve he was fluent in French and Spanish, and teaching himself German. Every time Caide did well, Michah's father would praise him. Stephen was a strict man of little praise. Although he rarely raised his voice, he rarely offered a word of comfort or affection either. He lived for neatness, organization, and perfection. It was his plan for Caide to become a doctor and continue on the family tradition. Caide, however, had different ideas about what he wanted to do with his life. School was something Michah eagerly looked forward to because it was an opportunity to prove himself, and be recognized for outstanding achievement. Praise from his father was what he desired most, something he so badly wanted.

In the summer Caide and Michah were inseparable. Caide was very kind to Michah. He played games like house and dress-up with him (at Michah's request), listened when he mused about what school would be like and cried when Father ignored him, and let him snuggle up next to him under the covers in bed during the warm summer nights. To Michah, Caide was a hero. He looked up to him, he respected him, and he wanted to be just like him.

Caide graduated at the age of sixteen, when Michah started first grade. Michah worked furiously at school to try and catch up with his brother. He kept mostly to himself, preferring to study instead of socializing. His hard work paid off that first grading period, earning him a sideways glance and small pat on the head from Father. Michah had never been happier. Meanwhile, Caide had just graduated from high school at the top of his class. He had been offered no small amount of scholarships to some rather prestigious schools.

II

"It is so much simpler to bury reality than it is to dispose of dreams.”

The next few months passed in an awkward but intense blur. Stephen and Caide didn't talk, and whenever everyone sat down together for meals the air the two gave off was so tense it was stifling. Maria often burst into tears after staring into the distance for long periods of time, and Stephen ground his teeth dangerously in Caide's direction whenever this would occur. Michah was seemingly forgotten. The nanny's that had once attempted to take care of him had been deemed unnecessary once he'd started school, so there was no one to notice the small boy slipping further and further into depression. Everyone around him was deep in their own misery. Michah felt alone. He had no idea what had caused this sudden change within the household.

Answers, as usual, came by way of Caide. Even though it was no longer necessary for Caide to wake up early, he still got up in time to drive Michah to the imposing brick building that was the private elementary school, and picked him up each day in the afternoon. It was one of these days that he explained to Michah the reason for the sudden, violent disturbance in the very routine daily life of the Alexander family. He had decided not to go to college. Michah couldn’t understand why Caide wouldn’t want to go to university. What was more; never before had he strived for a goal that his brother had not already achieved. It was confusing. He felt lost. It was a little later on that Caide gently explained to Michah that he would be leaving soon, as there was no reason for him to continue living with Mother and Father, and requested that he not share this information. Michah agreed, on the grounds that Caide bring him along. Hesitantly, Caide agreed.

It was two weeks to the day later that Michah slept through an entire day of school. At first, he could only be horrified by the fact that he had been absent a day, which would no doubt adversely affect his scores. However, he soon realized the implications of his situation. If he had slept through school, it had meant Caide had not awoken him at the proper time. If Caide had not awoken him at the proper time… Michah tried to console himself as he crept down the hall to his brother’s bedroom. Perhaps Caide was sick. Perhaps he just hadn’t heard the alarm. But the truth of the matter was, Caide always woke him up. Rain or shine, he would be more than willing to sacrifice himself to take care of Michah. Predictably, Caide was not in his room. Michah checked the kitchen, the garage, the bathrooms, the living room, the family rooms, the dining room, and the exercise room. They were empty. His parents were at work; their cars were not in the garage. Trying to quell his rising panic, Michah began to check the unused rooms of the house. It took hours. He discovered rooms he had never even known existed, and got lost regularly. But the house had never been emptier. Caide was gone. He hadn’t even left a note.

Things slowed down. Nobody mentioned Caide. It didn’t feel like he had suddenly torn himself out of Michah’s life, it felt more like he had never existed. Stephen cleared Caide’s belongings out of his bedroom. Michah cried. Suddenly he was an only child. Once again, the household dynamic shifted. Michah became the sole center of attention, which had often been his wish when Caide was still around to satisfy Stephen’s demands for success and perfection. Now Michah was the only one who could satisfy those demands. However, he was no longer expected to be like his brother. Considering Caide’s recent behavior, that would be unacceptable. He was instead expected to surpass Caide’s phenomenal academic achievements, which included skipping two grades.

III

"One minute was enough, Tyler said, a person had to work hard for it, but a minute of perfection was worth the effort. A moment was the most you could ever expect from perfection.”

Michah had his first panic attack at the age of nine, halfway through fourth grade, after realizing he had scored a B on his report card. Panic attacks were added to the list of things for Michah to agonize over. Life went on. Michah dreaded home, he worried about school, and he feared the incursion of more panic attacks. At the age of twelve he got sick. It was brushed off as the stomach flu. A month passed and Michah only felt worse. Despite the fact that he himself was a doctor, Stephen was decidedly reluctant to take his son to visit one. It was his firm belief that the strong of mind did not get sick. They waited.

By the time Stephen conceded to take him in, Michah was verging on invalid. Thus began a long series of appointments and second opinions. No doctor was able to identify a problem in his field, so he would recommend a different doctor of another field, and so on. Every possible test was undergone; blood tests, X-rays, endoscopies and colonoscopies, quickly ruling out all common afflictions. One of the doctors they saw seemed to be of the opinion that Michah was feigning illness to escape school. Michah left the office crying. Soon after, his condition worsened considerably. He was taken to the hospital in an ambulance, where he stayed an entire five months. His gall bladder and appendix were removed, although they were quite healthy and without flaw. Every time Michah complained of pain he was issued a dose of morphine. Soon he was a full-fledged morphine addict at the age of thirteen.

Time passed but Michah’s condition stagnated. He was moved to the psychiatric ward of the hospital, where he was weaned off the morphine. Without school and his parents, Michah’s condition improved to where he was able to get up and move around without difficulty. However, he still complained frequently of certain symptoms, and tended to go through phases of fainting and then vomiting. The hospital decided to move him to a more permanent residence. Eve has been his home since the age of fourteen.


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stop ruining other men for me you quality human being

Sep. 23rd, 2010 | 07:16 am
location: a very frightening state of mind
mood: hornyhorny
noise: 1901 by Phoenix

now that my judgement is being clowded by the fact that i haven't  slept in two days, here's a frustration post:

why can't i just fuck mgg
like seriously though

  
i want that so bad
and if you say you don't
you are a bold faced fucking liar
bold faced LIAR

 
i had this dream  that you cannot possibly fathom involving fucking a skeletal squidlike lanky man covered in blood on top of a  nice breakfast table in a quaint house in illinois with four elderly women staring at us in awe


of course, i didn't really. i haven't slept, remember? i just wish i had.
 

 












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